Secrets for Nicotine
by Oomaki-chan
Summary: Gray and Juvia are both victims of past sexual assaults. When they find out the truth about each other, they become closer. Being able to understand each others trauma creates a whole new relationship between them.


The guild was always a precarious place if you had secrets to keep. Privacy was nonexistent. The first word that would come to Gray's mind if asked to describe his guild mates was loud; the next would most likely be nosy. The majority of his guild mates were constantly thirsty for gossip. This lead him to his most recent predicament.

Currently, Gray sat at the bar counter, picking ice cubes out of a glass and pushing them into his mouth as though they were candy. On one side of the counter stood Mirajane, her usual smile on her face, and on his side of the counter was just about every other female in the guild. Each woman's gaze was settled on him, waiting on the borderline of impatience. Gray bit down on the chunk of ice in his mouth, causing the cube to break into pieces. Ice never really melted when he ate it. It had the tendency to stay solid until he swallowed. "I'm not going to give you an answer." He said, popping another ice cube into his mouth.

"Oh come on." Mirajane reached over the counter and pushed at the man's shoulder. "It's not that big of a deal."

"It is to me." Gray stood up from the stool and turned around. He looked for an escape route, some way to get away from the swarm of girls. He saw none.

"You just need to give us a name Gray." Cana, who was most likely three drinks passed the bottom of the barrel, slid along the bar counter until she was next to him. Her elbow prodded at his. Each jab made Gray visibly angrier.

"I'm not telling you anything about my sex life!" The loud sound of Gray's hands slamming on the bar table startled the women enough that they didn't stop him when he turned around and was finally able to pass through the group. His posture very easily showed his frustration as he walked away and exited the guild entirely.

Gray had his hands jammed into his pants pockets as he walked along the sidewalk. He had already lost his shirt in the guild. He probably could have found it before he left, but he didn't want to spend any more time in the guild hall than he had to if _that_ was going to be the conversation topic. "I can't believe them. Who the fuck do they think they are?" He kicked a rock that he saw on the sidewalk; it skipped across the cobble stone for a few feet before stopping once more. Gray kicked it again, eyes trained down on the rock and it's path rather than his own. The entire time he walked, he tried to wipe the conversation out of his mind. That kind of thing only brought up… _troublesome_ memories.

Feeling himself slip down that slope, Gray decided to make his way back to his apartment. Being at home was a lot more comforting than being in the middle of town. He could take a nap. He could read a book. Hell, he could sit in a bathtub filled with ice cold water and throw back drinks if he wanted. The ice mage entertained himself with the different possibilities for things he could do that didn't involve other people, though he knew he was probably just going to read or sleep anyways. But knowing he had options was comforting.

* * *

Being home felt like a blessing. Gray walked in the door and hung his keys on the peg on a set of pegs connected to a wooden plaque that read ' _Welcome the the tundra. Clothing is optional'_. It was a dumb birthday present he got years ago, but he thought it was funny. As if being commanded by the sign, Gray immediately felt his pants come off when he walked away from the doorway, embracing the privacy of the cold apartment. No one could bug him about his clothes coming off if no one was there to see it.

His enjoyment of being home only lasted so long. Gray sat down on his couch, opting to read an article or two in Sorcerer Weekly rather than starting a new book all over again; he decided he didn't want that commitment. He flipped through the pages, looking at the headlines before deciding which article to start with. This issue's headliner was ' _Sorcerer's Secrets: the truth about all your favorite mages'_. It was a trashy article, which felt perfect at the moment. Crap like this was usually a great distraction. Gray didn't realize how mistaken he was until the article very quickly turned into the dirty little secrets about various mages' relationship statuses, and therefore their sex lives as well.

"Well, at least I know where that conversation came from." Gray said to himself, closing the magazine all together and tossing it to the other side of the couch. He leaned his head back, lifting his hands to cover his face and massage his face.

Gray's breathing sped up. Each breath he took was heavy and quick. A wave of anxiety flooded over all of his senses. He tried not to close his eyes, he knew that would only make it worse. Of course, his body didn't listen to what his mind told it. The second he closed his eyes, images flashed like an old film reel. Ugly smiles that made his hair stand on end pointed at him from every direction. Hands lunging out of shadows and grabbing his arms and legs, pulling them apart until-

Gray slapped himself in the face. The force was enough to make him open his eyes. His body was still trembling, but it was sturdy enough to carry him to the kitchen, where he placed his head under the sink faucet and turned the water on hot. Heat was always a shock to his system. It was actually quite painful if he wasn't prepared for it. The scalding water from the sink wasn't very different. Cries escaped his throat when the water was hot enough it began steaming. Then, Gray began slowly turning off the hot water, and turning on the cold water. That was more like him. Cold water was much more enjoyable. It made him calm. The ice mage stood with his head under the sink faucet for five minutes. In that time he regained full control of his body. His lung finally decided to obey him, and his body stopped shaking. He gave himself a few more moments before turning the water off all together. Gray didn't bother finding a towel to dry himself off with; it wasn't like he could catch a cold anyways. Instead he went deeper into his apartment, down the hall to his bedroom. He crashed on the bed, not caring about the water that dripped onto the blankets and created puddles. "My head hurts."

* * *

Ur dying had changed everything in Gray's life. He had to find a new place to live and new people to train with. During his training with his Master, he had just happened to hear about magic guilds. The thought of a magic guild had certainly been intriguing to such a small child. So, he had decided to try and find a guild where he could find strong mages to fight, and train to do justice to everything that Ur had taught him.

That's what had broughten Gray to Fairy Tail.

Unfortunately, the journey had not been an easy one, not that he had expected it to be. Of course Gray ran into troubles. It had mainly been robbers in crowded cities, bandits in not-so-crowded towns, and everything in between. The problems kept happening to other people, and Gray would just happen to be nearby. Never in a million years did he think something could possibly happen to him; his pride wouldn't let him admit it was possible.

If anything would ever cause the ice mage problems, it would be his damned stripping habit. He was only a kid. A kid who grew up in the mountains with a crazy lady who went for hikes in the snow the closest to naked she could. How was Gray supposed to know to be careful? He had just been walking around without a shirt on. He was only eight years old, but maybe that was part of the appeal. The face was burned into his memory. Greasy hair and a good week or two of a beard, wearing nice blazer jackets and dress shirts; he was a real business man. Gray remembered that very well. That man had a wallet full of cash, which he left behind the second he was done. It had made Gray feel so disgusting, accepting that money. But Gray didn't have a job or any other means of making money. He was only eight years old after all.

* * *

Gray blinked his eyes open, not remembering falling asleep. There was a slight discomfort when he moved because the blankets he lay on top of were still wet from earlier, and acted as a bit of a sponge when he began to move. Gray reached for the clock that he kept on the night stand by his bed. When he looked at it, he saw that it was still only the four o'clock, not even reasonable diner time.

He felt like crap, and he really didn't want to be home alone feeling the way he did. But did he really want to go back to the guild? Gray sat up and thought over his options. In the end, he decided to return to the guild. The girls should know not to ask him any more questions, and he could get a drink or two from the bar, maybe a smoothie or something.

Before he left his home, Gray officially dried his hair, and threw on all new clothes. Then he was out the door as quickly as he could. He didn't want to risk turning around and going back the his nice cold bedroom.

Nightlife at the guild was definitely popular at Fairy Tail. Gray could hear the noise of the guild from half a block away. He was greeted with open arms the second he entered the guild hall too. That wasn't surprising at all. Gray went right back to the bar, finding a seat next to Macao and Wakaba. The older men were chit-chatting in their own, leaving Gray alone, which was perfectly fine by him. It took a while of waiting, but he was eventually able to put in his order for the smoothie he had been thinking about on his walk over. When his drink finally arrived, Gray held the glass close, using his magic to keep it frozen while he sipped at it slowly.

"U-um. Gray-sama…"

Gray recognized the voice immediately. He cursed himself internally before turning his stool around to face the all too familiar water mage. "Hey Juvia."

"Would it be alright if Juvia sat next to you?" The way Juvia nervously played with her own fingertips didn't go unnoticed. Juvia was very rarely hesitant about approaching him, God himself knew that. Something was up.

"Yeah sure." Gray tried to act nonchalant about the interaction. He didn't know what was eating at Juvia, but he sure as hell didn't need her having some kind of freak out because she found out he was a wreck. She was just that kind of person. The ice mage watched through the corner of his eye as his guildmate sat down next to him. Juvia continued to pick at her fingernails and the dead skin surrounding them. "Alright, I'll bite." Gray let out a sigh. "What's bugging you?"

"What?" Juvia looked surprised, before her expression changed to more embarrassed. "Juvia….. Juvia has been hearing the other girls ask people questions based on that magazine. It's only a matter of time before they come after Juvia…."

Great. Just great. He had been gone for hours, and the guild was still tied up on that? Even more, Juvia was just sitting around waiting for it? "Why don't you just leave then?" Gray suggested, swirling his smoothie with his straw.

"Juvia is waiting for Gajeel to come back to ask about a mission." The blue haired girl explained.

"Sitting by me probably isn't the best way to hide." Gray started. "They've been trying to get me to answer those questions all day."

"That's why you went home earlier, right?"

Gray looked at Juvia with a raised eyebrow. He was about to question just how the hell she knew she had gone home, before he remembered just who exactly he was dealing with. It was only natural for her to know he had gone home. He just decided to nod in response. While she was strange, and weird, and often time made him a little uncomfortable by testing his boundaries, Gray liked talking to Juvia. She didn't pick sides, with anyone other than him of course, so he could rant if he wanted to and she would just listen, or if he needed a distraction, she was always thinking up different topics to discuss so that she had a reason to keep talking to him. Clingy, possibly psychopathic tendencies aside, she was alright. So, Gray had no problem talking with her for a while. They didn't discuss anything of importance. Just past missions, the mission she had planned for her and Gajeel, some new store that had opened up in Magnolia recently. Normal stuff.

As it got later, the bar became more crowded. Gray was nervous at first when Cana claimed her seat at the bar, but when he realized she was just drinking more, he was able to relax himself. Lucy and Natsu came up to the bar too, which meant that Erza was never too far behind. Before Gray knew it, he was stuck in a social circle. A large group of people surrounded his and Juvia's seats at the bar. All of them were friends, so it was fine, and the conversation remained pleasant for quite a while. Heck, he didn't even mind Natsu's presence. Gray was enjoying himself.

Then one unidentifiable son of a biscuit eater just had to open their big mouth about that damned Sorcerer Weekly article. If Gray had known who it was, he would have gladly frozen the guy on the spot. The moment was officially ruined. While the girls of the group remembered to leave Gray alone after what had happened, they didn't hesitate to ask Juvia, who could not have looked more flustered.

"Oh come on Juvia, you just need to give an answer. You could even make up a name." Erza, who still looked really interested in the topic, tried to urge Juvia to talk.

"Just spill the beans and everyone will leave you alone." Levy half-laughed.

"You haven't had _done it_ with anyone before, so you just need to say so Juvia." Lucy was clearly trying to be the ally in this situation. Well, as much of an ally as she could be. "We all know you're probably saving yourself for Gray anyways."

Gray didn't have the chance to look at Juvia's reaction to that last statement before he began to snap all over again. "Just leave her alone. Can't we forget about all of this crap already?"

"Awn! Is Gray getting concerned for Juvia?" Cana teased in her usual drunken fashion. "You're so worried about if she's had sex or not. That's cute."

"I'm just tired of this bullshit." Gray yelled. "Don't you guys think before you try and force someone to say they're a virgin? It's not like anyone would be surprised anyways."

"But Gray-sama, Juvia's not a virgin."

Silence. The entire circle of people who had been surrounding the bar looked at the rain woman in shock. That was the only response no one had been expecting.

"What do you mean?" Lucy let out a nervous laugh. It was probably weird to be nervous in this situation, but for some reason Gray completely understood Lucy's reasoning. Juvia was so calm about such a sensitive topic. It was abnormal. With her, abnormal wasn't good. "You can't be serious, can you?"

"Juvia knows what Juvia said." Her eyes changed ever so slightly. It was probably only because Gray was so close that he noticed how they turned dark and somber.

 _No._

Gray's thoughts started becoming sporadic. He looked around for the closest window, and saw that rain drops were sticking to the glass. A light drizzle had started outside the guild walls.

 _No!_

"Juvia has had boyfriends before, even before being able to stop the rain."Juvia continued her explanation. The more she spoke, the worse she began to look. Gray started noticing how she gripped the cloth of her skirt, pulling it so that it covered as much of her skin as possible. She adjusted the way her sleeves sat on her shoulders. Her eyes glanced over each male member of the guild.

 _No! Not her too! Not her too!_

Juvia was about to open her mouth to speak more, but before she could say anything more Gray had his hand around her wrist. "Don't tell them more than you have to." His voice almost came out as a growl. He then pushed past the gang around them, forcing his way through, making sure that Juvia was close behind him. He walked her into one of the back halls of the guild, and he immediately began to notice hesitation in the way she followed him. He glanced over his shoulder and, for the first time since he met her, it looked like she didn't want to be near him.

Gray led Juvia outside. It was still drizzling outside, which seemed to bother her even more. Gray could feel her trying to pull her hand away, but this time he was the one who wasn't letting go. The two found shelter underneath a canopy that had been set up to create shade for the hotter months of the year. The second they were both underneath, Gray let go. He turned around and saw Juvia just looking at him.

"Juvia, I-" Gray stopped. He needed to be careful about how he spoke. He didn't want to be correct, but if he was, he needed to be gentle about it. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I just need you to answer one question. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to, but I need to know Juvia."

"Okay." Juvia's face was downcast, like she already knew exactly what the upcoming question was.

"Those boyfriend's you had before," Gray began. "Did they force it on you?"

There was no response for a while, not a verbal one at least. But the rain got harder. Soon, Juvia lifted her head, and tears had welled up in her eyes. "They said that they loved Juvia, so Juvia gave them everything. But they never asked if it was what Juvia wanted." The water mage brought her hands to her face. "Juvia never wanted it."

To say Gray was angry was an understatement. He was furious, to the point where he could probably explode into flames if he wanted to. He reached an arm out, his hand making contact with Juvia's shoulders. He pulled her closer, until he was able to wrap the arm fully around her so that he was hugging her. Gray wasn't good at intimate, but he could at least offer this much. "You never did anything wrong Juvia."

"Juvia is dirty."

"That's fine. I am too."


End file.
